I found two really old blog posts that never went live, so I decided to combine them together for a delicious and hilarious treat. This raw chocolate cake is what all my chocolate dreams are made of and these Tinder stories made me laugh all over again. If you just want the recipe, scroll on through to the end, but if you want a little giggle (who doesn’t?) read on!
It’s been a while since I’ve been on a tinder soiree…and in a way I miss it. Not because I met the classiest people in the world or my future husband, but because of the super interesting shit that seemed to happen.
So, to the people I met on Tinder, sorry if you’re mentioned here, but this is the fucking hilarious shit that happened to me via this oh so lovely dating app.
Welcome to my 9 months of playing with dating apps.
I was forced to meet up with a guy who invited me to go search for gemstones with him in the mountains…
-I ended up overlooking the city from a skyscraper that was under construction.
-I also thought I was going to be murdered. He said it had been years since he had been charged with assault or murdered anyone though…THANK GOD, that sure eased my mind.
-Did I mention my friends came…and that after savagely kicking open a gate, this guy locked us into this construction site…safety first people!
-Thus ensued many forced 3rd wheels on my awkward tinder dates.
I endured the worst kiss of my life. Seriously, I thought a plunger was being suctioned to my face.
-Apparently I kissed as though I really wanted to have sex though, after repeatingly saying I didn’t, bai!
-I did get hooked up with some dog watching though, priceless to a hustla.
I ventured out with friends during a blizzard to get ice cream and meet a firefighter.
-After 5 minutes and clear disinterest, I was contacted via text, Facebook, twitter, and every other social media platform for 9 months.
-I have to give credit for determination, but harassment isn’t really my thing bro.
-The extent of this is so insane that you actually wouldn’t believe it.
I was called a hussey.
-Apparently already hooking up with someone is a terrible excuse to not date someone that you spent 30 minutes with.
-Clearly not everyone on tinder is using it as an escape from boredom when they have torn their hamstring…people are looking for true love! I should be ashamed of myself.
I had my first weird friends with benefits relationship…for like 6 months.
-I learned that hooking up with your best friend is weird, but if you’re weird enough you can remain friends after all the weirdness.
-This was in the background of all of my tinder stories…maybe I am a hussey?
I accidentally did cocaine.
-Okay, I didn’t actually do cocaine, but accidental ‘numbies’ definitely occurred.
-If you don’t know what a ‘numbie’ is, it’s when people put cocaine in their mouth to numb their mouth. Cool I know. Apparently it’s also possible to make out with someone who has snorted cocaine and find yourself with a numb mouth.
I met the nicest guy in the world.
-Somehow you were okay with hanging out with me for 4 months and only kissing. Kuddos to you friend.
-You also almost got beat up the first time we hung out, but you stuck it out.
-I still love you my sweet friend!
I met a huge asshole.
-I choose to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you’re not a huge asshole, you were just having a bad year.
I matched with an entire house.
-That’s awkward…I’ll come to your house for a quick round of speed dating?
-Safe to say that didn’t work out.
I realized that my date of choice is walking my dog at the park.
-Good thing this is a big city and people didn’t notice how many different guys I was walking around the park with.
-Public place, safe, and my dog will bite you if you fuck with me.
-Dinners are awkward…or maybe that’s just me.
I found people I had met in real life.
-One of you took me to pho 2 times..thanks for free dinners bro! I also liked your dog.
I got taken bowling
-Then notes and flower were left on my car for two months. Bold moves.
– 9 months later, I ran into said guy. He broke up with his girlfriend and professed his love for me.
-Yes, that was a pity kiss my friend, sorry.
-You’re super awesome though. Let’s be friends!
I was also asked to go bowling.
-I didn’t show up at the time and place specified days before.
-Is a follow up so much to ask for…this is the 21st century.
I got catfished.
-After meticulously joking about being catfished, turns out he was pulling a fast one on me.
-Sorry dude, your picture doesn’t look like you.Print
Raw Chocolate Cake
This is a recipe that I used to love when I was really into the raw food movement. While I don’t follow these strict guidelines anymore, I can appreciate this super decadent cake!
1/4 cup cacao powder
1/4 cup carob powder
1/4 cup finely ground almonds (soaked)
1/4 cup brazil nuts
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
2 T honey
1/4 cup coconut or cacao butter
pinch (OR MORE!) of himalayan sea salt
Filling Ingredients: (this is the best syrup/forsting you will ever have!)
1/4 cup carob powder
1/4 cup mesquite powder
1/2 cups honey
1/2 cup coconut oil (or full fat milk)
1 tbsp vanilla
1 tbsp maca (I love Karen Berrios!)